How Autism Parenting Classes Made My Sex Life Better

In grade 10 in Ontario, we take a careers class (though it should be called “Becoming Productive Members of Society”). It’s a half-semester course that helps you determine your skills for your future career so you can choose the right grade 11 and 12 courses. 

In the class, we took an aptitude test that predicted what careers would suit us best. The number one career on my list was “Early Childhood Educator” – the same job my mom had. As someone who was aware of the long hours, terrible pay and general lack of appreciation society has for ECEs, I said no thanks and looked farther down the list for other options. That being said, the aptitude test was correct in my skill set and I found myself working as a nanny for families with kids with autism while trying to build a latex clothing company. 

I didn’t start as an autism nanny. My family had two kids. The oldest, aged 10, hated loud noises and wanted to be left alone. The youngest, age 5, wanted to play video games in the nude. These two children would later get diagnoses (sensory processing disorder for the oldest, ADHD and autism for the youngest), and the parents paid for me to come with them to their parenting classes and learn the skills I needed to help support the family. As it turned out, these skills are also extremely relevant when it comes to navigating sex and adult relationships in general. Here’s what I learned.

Great Expectations

What neuro-divergent children on the spectrum need to be successful is not that unique. My examples will grossly oversimplify what I learned so I apologize in advance to anyone who is more familiar with this topic. There are many nuances to the examples I’m going to give, but I’m going to assume that this is new (albeit obvious) information for many and keep things simple. 

While this applies to all children, the following applies especially to kids on the autism spectrum. They need to know what is expected from them, and what to expect from situations. Whether or not kids on the spectrum want to do what is expected is entirely different, but sometimes people have to do things they don’t want to do, regardless of a diagnosis. Setting clear expectations for behaviour is a skill I had to learn so I could be a better care provider, but it has made me better at communicating my needs in a sexual setting. 

We can’t control everything in life, but we can control how we communicate with others. When working with kids with autism, I had to improve my ability to say what I wanted, how I wanted it, and why I wanted it that way. I learned to follow up every “do not” instruction with a “do”. One clear example of this is when the youngest child, Jack, would constantly walk behind me in the narrow kitchen without warning. 

This was fine, except when I was pulling food out of the oven, because as he pushed past he would push me. The clear statement: When the oven is open, you do not walk past the person because you could push them in. Instead you wait until the oven door is closed. When he didn’t understand the danger involved with pushing me in the oven, we put Barbies on a baking tray and baked them at 450 for 10 minutes (which was super fun, by the way). He stopped pushing past me after that. 

Setting expectations is another way of saying setting boundaries. You expect that your partner will respect your boundaries, and that you will respect theirs. I try to clearly express what I expect from others, and ask clarifying questions so I can better know what is expected of me. This is true in my place of work, and true in sexual relationships. What are your expectations around someone going down on you? Is it a requirement or a preference? How do you want your partner to touch you, where, and what kind of motion? Are you expecting monogamy? Do you want titles? Are you hoping this relationship will lead to marriage, or kids? Knowing what you want and very clearly communicating your needs is a learned skill, and being able to do this in sexual contexts will improve your chances of actually enjoying a sexual encounter with someone new.

Instead of getting upset that your partner can’t find the right spot, show your new partners where your clitoris is, and show them how you like it touched. Be as specific as you can so they repeat the movement from different directions. By the way, this example is just as easily applicable to a penis.

This can very easily sound like dirty talk when you throw in a “harder”, “right there” and “yes, just like that”. If you don’t like how your partner is touching you, a polite “not quite like that, try this instead” is a great option (replace a do not with a do). If your partner doesn’t understand why you want your clitoris touched, send them to me and I’ll give them a lesson on nerve endings and homologous sex organs. 

Sweet Sensation

Certain behaviours sometimes look strange, but aren’t actually harmful. Many people bite their nails, or jiggle their leg. Some children flap their hands or spin in circles. These are all examples of stimming. Stimming is the term for self soothing, repetitive motions. We were taught to differentiate between harmless and harmful stimming and when to intervene. 

Historically, parents were taught to punish their children with autism for stimming, but thankfully, the methodology has changed. Now, we’re taught to only change behaviour if it’s harmful, and looking strange in public due to excessive hand flapping is not physically harmful to anyone. The general rule is if the behaviour is not hurting anybody, including themselves, this is not behaviour we change or correct. 

Sexually, many people are interested in a variety of different sensations that give them pleasure. One of the questions sex educators are frequently asked is, “Am I normal for liking/doing X?” The answer is usually yes, and the advice I usually give is if it’s not causing anyone emotional or physical pain, what’s the harm? People should not feel shame for doing something that physically feels good, whether it’s tapping their foot during a meeting or needing a finger in their butt. Keeping an open mind to pleasure improves sexual experiences, especially if all parties aren’t worried about judgements around how their bodies experience pleasure.

Life is too short to care about dumb shit. Other people’s perception of “normal” is what I categorize as dumb shit. Your needs are valid, whether they’re emotional or sexual. You need love to feel comfortable in a sexual situation? That’s great. You need your balls slapped in order to cum? Also great. Live your truth. Enjoy your life and don’t worry about what other people are going to think. Being normal is overrated, just be you and find a sexual partner who will help you do that. 

Epilogue

Raising kids can feel like a battle, especially if trying to get your child to wear pants to go outside results in an epic meltdown in the foyer. You learn to celebrate every success, even the small ones, and to really choose what’s worth arguing over. 

Neuro-typical people benefit from the same parenting skills as people on the Autism spectrum, because all people benefit from knowing what is expected from them. Learning how to clearly communicate your expectations is the fastest way to know if someone else is going to be able to meet your needs and wants, in a variety of contexts, including sex. When we encourage positive behaviours instead of only saying what we don’t want, it results in a healthier relationship and healthier communication. Your sexual pleasure is important, and when you reject the notion of what you should like or want, you open yourself up to a much broader spectrum of sexual satisfaction.