Everything I Learned About Consent I Learned at a Sex Club

Growing up, consent was a blurry concept. As a child, I was taught that my “no” would be ignored in small but important ways, like when my Bubbie made me keep eating dinner until I cried because I was so full, or told when I was bullied that it’s because the boy had a crush on me (he didn’t, he was just an asshole). 

In high school Sex Ed I was taught “no means no”, but that hollow phrase didn’t stop me or my friends from being assaulted by our boyfriends. When I was in university, the Orientation Week mantra was “Consent is Sexy”, but the administration did absolutely nothing to teach what that meant. 

These phrases make cute buttons while doing nothing to prevent young people from assaulting each other and being assaulted. Slogans don’t teach how to read verbal and non-verbal cues, or how to ask for and give consent in a meaningful way. With no follow up these messages are no more useful than a bumper sticker. 

The place where I finally learned the nuances of consent and how to navigate it in my personal relationships wasn’t from sexual health education, it was from a sex club. I am of course speaking, again, about Oasis Aqualounge.

Consent in the “Lifestyle” 

The “lifestyle” community, which encompasses swingers, ethically non-monogamous folks,, and kinky relationships, is excellent at consent. A sexually charged atmosphere isn’t fun if people don’t feel safe, and a strong foundation in consent creates that safety. 

When I walked into Oasis as a nervous nineteen-year-old with her sex-positive crew, I had to sign a waiver agreeing to all the club rules, which included obvious items like no photography or videography, and no sex in the stairwells (it’s a safety hazard). The rules on consent were detailed. No means no. Yes means yes. 

Then they continued: No touching without permission – not on the shoulder, not on the lower back, no hugging hello, not until you have received verbal permission to do so. Friends and regulars would occasionally be overheard saying to each other, “You can always hug me hello, you don’t need to ask first anymore!” or, “You always have permission to grab my butt.” 

Another rule was called the “ask once” policy - you can only ask someone to do something once. If someone says no once, you don’t ask again and you don’t ask in different ways trying to change their answer. This is a form of pressure, and people have learned from tv shows that if you just keep asking, eventually they’ll say yes. At lifestyle parties and clubs, this is unacceptable behaviour. It is expected that if the person being asked changes their mind and does want to accept your offer for a drink, or a kiss, or whatever else, and they said no originally, it is now their responsibility to re-open the flirtation. 

Asking before you touch someone may not seem very appealing to those who have never been to a sex party, but ensuring physical safety creates a space where everyone can relax. 

Consent, in this space, is sexy because people are well practised at having these conversations. They flow easily from words to actions. Navigating conversations around consent, STI testing, and condom usage becomes second nature.

Safety is Sexy 

After that first night, Oasis Aqualounge became the hangout spot for me and my friends. Most Mondays, you would find us sitting in the heated pool making friends, discussing our classwork, and, on the rare occasion, meeting someone for an interesting sexual experience. 

Oasis became our home base in the way other people have a local bar because it quickly became the drinking establishment we felt safest at. At regular bars, people could touch us without asking and not understand why an invasion of our physical bodies (even clothed) may be unwelcome. Young men would act like buying us a drink was a contract we were signing where we owed them something after. 

At Oasis, I could be fully naked and have a conversation about my sexual preferences and no one assumed that meant I was going to have sex with them. I knew I was in a space where if I said or implied no, other patrons and staff would support me. “Yes Means Yes” is great when someone bothers to ask you in the first place, which they always will at a lifestyle event. Declining an invitation or stating a boundary becomes much easier if you know that you are not at risk for physical violence when you say no. 

Consent is Respect

I should not have had to go to a sex club to have my physical boundaries respected in a public space. I should not have had to learn how to navigate consent in a complex and nuanced way from a sex club waiver. 

We need to be creating more spaces where consent can be practiced safely, and we do that by giving younger people the tools to have these conversations, and trusted adults for them to have them with. 

Conversations around consent need to start early. In Canada, the sexual health curriculum teaches consent as early as kindergarten, first by teaching children how to accurately name their body parts and teaching them that they have autonomy over their bodies. 

While this is best practice, this message isn’t always properly reinforced at home, or in their friends’ and families’ homes. Children are capable of understanding physical boundaries, we need to start practicing this kind of respect earlier. We can learn how to respect each other’s bodies, how to accept being told no, and that no one owes us anything. 

Learning how to read verbal and non-verbal cues should be explicitly pointed out to children and teens, instead of assuming they’re absorbing the message implicitly. We need to give people the right language to practice and adapt for themselves and create spaces where we can practice this whether it’s at school, camp, or family hangouts. 

That way, those who aren’t lucky enough to find a place like Oasis can still learn to respect themselves, respect others, and to accept saying and hearing (verbally or non verbally) the word no, and how to leave space for that enthusiastic yes.