Boundaries: A Rant in 3 Acts
Act 1: Not the P Word You Were Thinking Of
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Random Dude: Hello, I have a question.
Me: Hey, what’s up?
Random Dude: Is Oasis open?
Me: No. We are closed. Everything is virtual right now because of Covid.
Random Dude: Oh that’s sad.
Random Dude: Want to meet up?
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Prurient: Having or encouraging an excessive interest in sexual matters. When I first heard this word, I thought, “finally, a one word summary of who I am."
My interest in sex was never exclusively an interest in hedonistic fuck-fests. Society as a whole is more than a little obsessed with sex; when I was a teenager, everyone was talking about having sex, or not having sex. Adults would talk about sex like it was something we had to avoid while also being inevitable. Where people are, sex is. Sex and sexuality are visibly used to market products on the internet, on TV, on billboards, and in magazines. Currently, I choose to publically discuss sex in both casual conversation through my job at a sex club and my podcast, as well as in private conversations with friends. Sometimes people respond to my casual treatment of sexual topics as if my intention was to titillate them, or illicit a strong reaction. Occasionally I do, because I’m also a bit of a troll, but usually I’m just being myself and talking about something I find interesting. Academics write studies on sex and sexuality, and I am the nerd reading those studies and articles for fun. Do I masturbate to academic papers on sexuality? No. Just as a scientist can conduct research on sexual topics, my interest in sex can also be academic. Sex isn’t taboo for me, and I often forget that others are uncomfortable because I’m so well practiced at talking about it.
Many people think of sex as merely the acts involved with intercourse and foreplay: the physical things we do with each other. To me, and many people in my field, sex is also relationships, gender expression, orientation, and sensuality. Sexual topics can include the intersection between gender identity and sexual expression. Sex is at the root of many of our behaviours; it influences human interaction and workplace dynamics in addition to media production and consumption. Talking about sex also means understanding the connection between sex and mental and physical health and wellness.
Act 2: Assumption has the word Ass in it and that’s funny.
Due to my comfort with talking about all of the aforementioned topics, people tend to make the following assumptions about me:
If I’m comfortable talking about sex with you, I will want to have sex with you. Or anyone. At any time. Like, right now.
If I’m comfortable talking about sex, I must be single.
If I’m comfortable talking about sex, I have zero boundaries.
Let’s delve into the truth behind these assumptions.
One Night Stands usually only have One Nightstand. And no bedframe.
Assumption: If I’m comfortable talking about sex with you, I will want to have sex with you. Or anyone. At anytime. Like, right now.
Reality: Being comfortable talking about sex and with my own sexuality does not mean I’m DTF. I have preferences in people, physicalities, and personalities. When I talk about sex, you’re envisioning our sex together. I’m not, unless we’re talking about having sex with each other. I believe in sexual freedom and sex positivity, and I believe in everyone’s right to have a one night stand. That does not mean WE will be having one.
The old ball, chains, and whips.
Assumption: If I’m comfortable talking about sex, I must be single.
Associated assumption: How could a man EVER love a slut like me and be fine with what I do?
Reality: I’m married. My husband has always supported my bodily autonomy, and we both believe strongly in leading by example to create change in the world. We both believe that ending stigma around sexuality is important. We have common values, which is how we ended up married. My husband was my biggest supporter when I decided to devote more time to sexuality related content creation. Why haven’t you seen my husband on my social media? He specifically asked for me to leave him off it, and so I show him respect by never posting his image without his permission. Just because YOU may be uncomfortable with your partner doing this kind of work doesn’t mean everyone is uncomfortable with it.
Your Dance Space, My Dance Space
Assumption: If I’m comfortable talking about sex, I have zero boundaries.
Reality: I have boundaries, they’re just different from yours.
Let’s get into this. To some people, open dialogue around sex is a signal of lack of boundaries or poor socialization. I think that most people’s discomfort on this topic is a silly social construct, and I have never understood why we talk about sex (or women’s reproductive organs, for that matter) in whispers and hushed tones. Talking about sex as a concept is one of my favourite subjects, but I do not discuss my personal sex life with strangers.
Act 3: Stranger Danger
Due to my open nature, strangers will start telling me their personal relationship problems. This is mostly due to the fact that I am the first person who seems willing to talk openly about the subject with them. I’m nosy, so I love this, but there does come a point where maybe you should hire a therapist or listen to the Savage Lovecast like the rest of us. If you, reader, are struggling with something, I’m happy to talk to you, but there will come a point where you are asking me for free labour (either emotional or therapeutic), and you owe me an e-transfer. As an aside, just to save you some time and money: yes, what you like is normal. No, you are not unique, you should look up Fetlife (it’s like Fetish Facebook). That sounds really difficult, have you tried talking to your partner about your feelings? Lastly, if you are DMing me and we have never met and you have no photos of your face, we are not friends. If we don’t know anything about each other (other than your sex or relationship issues), please evaluate your definition of friendship and potentially, your own boundaries.
If someone DMs me a question and I think they’re being obtuse, I will do my best to answer them honestly. I try not to call people out because I see no value in callout culture and I want people to feel safe asking me questions that they may think are “stupid”, especially since their question is nothing to feel bad about. That being said, sometimes people DO have some poorly thought-out demands, so here are some things to stop doing:
Do not try and organize an orgy with strangers during a pandemic
Do not try and send me your penis and ask “is this normal?” I am not a doctor.
If I have not expressly stated that something is a service that I provide, understand that if you ask for it, I will most likely tell you no. Do not assume that if you offer me more money, my no will become a yes. Learn how consent works, and stop thinking that money buys everything.
One last thought to finish us all off: I get at least 2 people per day sliding into my DMs saying “Hey.” If you want to talk to me about something, put your question in the original DM. I’m sorry that Oasis is closed too, and no, I don’t want to meet up.