The No No Guide to DMs, Or: How to be a part of Polite Society on the Internet
Yael and I were speeding along the 401, catching up on a whole two day’s worth of “what’s new in our lives”. If you haven’t met Yael she’s all over my social media with me, she’s my best friend, and she’s my co-event planner with Oasis. We’re halfway to Kingston when Yael mentioned an uncomfortable DM she’d received on Instagram from a woman.
“It was so inappropriate. She was commenting on my body and it made me so uncomfortable. People say women don’t send DMs like this, but clearly they do!”
“Maybe it was a catfish?” I asked, because sometimes men will pretend to be women so they can say inappropriate things.
“I don’t really care, it was really objectifying.”
Yael blocked her, so we don’t have a record of the interaction, but these messages, whether they’re from men or women, always follow the same formula.
1. An opening line that is usually, “Hey”
2. A line or two about how outlandishly sexy I am/my body is
3. A very specific, sexual, objectifying comment about a body part that is usually covered when you’re in public
4. “OMG I’m so embarrassed” [some sort of emoji]
5. Choose Your Own Adventure: Bonus #1: Dick/Vulva Pics
6. Choose Your Own Adventure: Bonus #2: Sometimes they try to solicit me for a sexual encounter
Some people don’t get past the “hey,” or they skip right to item number five. I’m going to deconstruct why this tactic is more offensive and ineffective, and I’m going to go step by step. While these answers are very personal to me, I know many women who feel similarly.
Alright, let’s do this.
Step 1: An Opening Line that is usually, “Hey”.
Hey is the most vague and useless opener. If this is all you’re sending, I’ll have to assume that you’re a very boring person. What am I supposed to do with this? Say hey back? What do you want from me? How much emotional labour am I going to have to spend on you if I respond? Do you lack basic conversational skills? If you’re asking a question, just ask it so I know if I want to respond or not. I may not want to respond. You’re going to have to deal with it.
Step 2: A line or two about how outlandishly sexy I am/my body is.
You’ve only seen the photos I have chosen to show you on my Instagram. Obviously I have picked flattering photos, but you don’t actually know what I look like. I am not posting them for your compliments, I’m posting them for me. Your flattery means nothing to me, especially since you clearly aren’t reading my captions. If you were to comment on something I had written or my thoughts, you would have a higher chance of getting a response because then we could engage in an actual discussion. By commenting on my body, I now understand you are only interested in one aspect of what I have to offer as a person and you have thus far not differentiated yourself from anyone else attempting to slide into my DMs.
Step 3: A very specific, sexual, objectifying comment about a body part that is usually covered when you’re in public.
Were you raised by ‘90s sitcoms and a laugh track? It is now considered common sense that commenting on someone’s body if they are not already a partner of yours is inappropriate. Getting specific and sexual is not a compliment, it’s uncomfortable. While I like to be sexual and post racy pictures, I am not interested in being objectified. There is a big difference in me posting something because I felt good, and you being specific and, quite frankly, disgusting in your detail of what you want to do to my body. I have not consented to talking dirty with you, and I have not consented to sex with you. If you want to jerk off in private, feel free but keep your thoughts to yourself unless a woman specifically says she’s okay with you sharing them with her.
Step 4: “OMG I’m so embarrassed!”
You should be. If you’re embarrassed, that was a sign you should have kept that thought in. The emojis don’t make it cute, and they don’t undercut the fact that you KNEW it was inappropriate to send this message, which is why you’re embarrassed. That being said, I don’t think you’re actually embarrassed because if you were, you wouldn’t have sent that message. There’s no shame in having sexual urges and wanting to act on them, but you should know better than to word-vomit your fantasies to a literal stranger.
A caveat: if you subscribe to my/a woman’s OnlyFans, send the message through there and include a tip. While women on OnlyFans may still be uninterested in your DM, by sending a tip you are paying for the emotional labour I will expend when responding to you and responding to DMs is time and effort. It is polite to tip your service providers.
Step 5: Choose Your Own Adventure: Bonus #1: Dick/Vulva Pics
Don’t do this. Do not send a picture of your dick unless I ask for it. Posting my image on the internet is not a request for a picture of your schlong, and it’s never as impressive as you think it is. Even when you do have a majestic natural gift, I’m still unimpressed because you did not obtain my consent in advance before sending what you perceive to be a blessing.
Step 6: Choose Your Own Adventure: Bonus #2: Solicitation for Sexual Encounters
Not only is it against terms of service for people to solicit/arrange sex work on many social media platforms, but it’s also rude of you to assume you can “buy someone” based on a picture of their butt. I say “buy someone” and not “buy services” because people who actually buy sexual services are experienced with the jargon, respectful of their providers, and understand the rules. If you are trying to solicit me through social media, this is a red flag. I will assume that you either know the rules and are trying to get around them by coercing someone who may not know how to protect themselves, or you are an asshole who won’t respect my consent. This is the kind of message that makes it clear you don’t understand that sex work is a service provided, not a person provided, and offering me more money will not turn my no into a yes. Ignoring my consent the first time I say no just proves that you’re just an asshole. Also, see this blog post [https://www.sharewithrae.com/blog/boundaries-a-rant-in-3-acts]
A Better Way to Slide into DMs
When giving people a list of Do Nots, I try to give them something they CAN do instead. So, what will actually up your chances of getting a response to a DM? First, let’s assume that you actually care about this woman as a person and aren’t just hoping for a sexual encounter. If all you want is a sexual encounter, you’re going to be disappointed (unless, of course, you are DMing an actual sex worker who can refer you to her services menu). Here’s a quick list of things you can do:
1. Use full sentences.
2. Be respectful.
3. Show that you are interested in this person for more than her looks. Maybe read her tweets or IG captions. Engage with the actual things that woman thinks about.
The things that will actually increase your chances of getting a response are things you have no control over. For example, I am more likely to respond to a DM if I’ve had a good day, have the mental space, and there’s nothing I want to watch on Netflix. I am more likely to respond if I like your message and if I want to.
If I have spent the day dealing with bullshit, either online or off, I am less likely to respond to a DM of any kind. My last note, which will be upsetting to many, is that I am more likely to respond if I find you attractive, just like you’re more likely to message someone in the first place if you find them attractive. If your profile is on private, I have no information on you other than a username.
My consent matters. What I want matters. I do not owe you a conversation or a response. Be interesting, be interested, and don’t get butthurt if I don’t respond to your DMs because strangers on the internet don’t owe you anything.