Flirting Tips for Absolute Beginners
Some things in life aren’t as intuitive as they first appear to be. As adults we know how to use a bathroom, but we were all potty trained by caring adults. Certain skills we assume people learn by living in society, and while we know to teach children table manners, we don’t actively teach them how to read social cues. Instead, many parents assume that children learn these by observing the world around them. Kindergarten and Early Childhood Educators start us on our journeys to becoming social members of society, but when we don’t continue teaching social skills people can absorb the wrong information or no information at all. Flirting is a skill that we expect people to pick up on their own, but is in fact learned and can be practiced.
Many people reduce flirting to pick up lines or say it’s as simple as reading body language; effectively doing either of those things is surprisingly difficult. Subtle facial expressions are challenging to read, especially when approaching a stranger. Telling someone to “just read their body language” is not a helpful statement when you don’t describe what body language to look for. Whether you’re neurotypical or neuro-divergent, here is a basic flirt guide to get you started on building what I call your “flirt intuition.”
Flirting is For Everyone.
People of all genders can (and do) flirt. Despite what you may think, men are not exclusively the flirters and women are not always the receivers of flirtation – it’s flirting when there’s back and forth. Women are fully capable of flirting, and I highly encourage them to do so.. All tips in this guide are gender neutral and can apply to anyone.
If you are someone who struggles with identifying flirtation, I have good news: it’s not just you. No one can tell when they’re being flirted with. Studies have shown that 80% of the time, people can tell when they aren’t being flirted with, but can only tell when they are being flirted with 22% of the time. This is due to the differences in flirtation styles. Everyone has a different style of flirting; the goal is to find your own and not to be concerned if it doesn’t work every time.
My personal flirtation style is aggressive and was developed intuitively over time through noticing the way people react to me. I use my height and gender to my advantage. My typical strategy is to walk up to someone, open with a compliment and let the conversation flow from there (or not). A 5 foot woman with a ton of confidence at a bar is cute because I’m non-threatening. A 6 foot man alone with someone in a narrow hallway is not going to be received the same way. Learn how people perceive you and develop a way to start conversations in a way that will result in the reaction you want.
The Great Fear: Rejection
While everyone can flirt, not everyone is going to be receptive to YOUR flirting and that’s okay. If you came to this guide for one easy tip that will work every time you’re going to be disappointed. There is no one magic phrase that works on everyone, you can’t can’t cast a spell to unlock the mental secrets of the person you just met in the coffee shop lineup.
Increase your probability of success by flirting with a wide variety of people. It’s okay if they’re not receptive to your flirt style because if you can’t flirt successfully, you probably aren’t very compatible with them. My aggressive style doesn’t work on everyone, but if someone is intimidated or doesn’t like the way I come on to them then they probably weren’t the right fit for me anyway. Find people who respond positively to the way you flirt.
Protect yourself from the sting of rejection by going into every interaction knowing you don’t need their approval – because you don’t. Not only will this allow you to exude confidence (which is sexy), it won’t sting if they’re not receptive to your flirt style. I go into every interaction knowing my own worth and how cool I am; if f they can’t appreciate it, that’s their loss. Plus, this person is likely a stranger. They don’t know you and what it is they’re saying no to. Let your own self confidence reassure you and if your flirt target was unreceptive, move on.
What is Your Purpose?
Are you flirting for fun? To get a first date? Are you trying to get a second date? There may not always be a goal: flirting can just be fun! If you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s a great way to keep things exciting when your clothes are still on. Either way, know why you’re flirting so that you can adapt your behaviour for each situation.
How to Have a Conversation
So, you made it past the initial opener and you want to keep things going. What’s next? Flirting is a conversation with flow, where both parties are mutually attracted to each other. A conversation has two key components: asking questions and volunteering information. It seems basic, but many people trying to flirt only do one of those things. A good conversation will have both parties taking turns asking a question, volunteering information, and then asking follow-up questions. My favourite opening questions are usually about someone’s hobbies or what they do for fun. Many people have families, and most people have a job, but in an era where many people are unhappy with their work you may not learn much about the person you’re trying to get to know by asking about it. Try to find out what the person is passionate about.
Example:
Taylor: What do you do for fun?
Sydney: I like to paint, specifically water colours. Do you do anything creative?
Taylor: I wouldn’t say creative, but I like to sing in the shower. What kinds of things do you like to paint?
If you only ask questions, the conversation feels like an interrogation. Volunteering information creates a space of vulnerability and allows the other person to get to know you. If you only talk about yourself, that can come across as self-absorbed or make you seem like you have boundary issues if you over-share. Find the right balance of both. You can try different questions and see how different people respond. Watching the response can help you adapt your openers, your follow ups, and will help you build up your ability to read body language. Remember to be enthusiastic – playing it cool is for children (or boring people). If someone is sharing something about themselves and you think it’s cool, tell them. People thrive in encouraging situations and like positive feedback. A connection rooted in positive affirmation will last longer than a connection rooted in anxiety. Don’t be the reason someone is afraid to be vulnerable or share something they are passionate about.
Teasing Is Flirting. Negativity is Not.
Keeping all of the above in mind, teasing each other can be healthy and fun. Name calling, swearing, telling someone to shut up, or commenting negatively about their interests or appearance is not teasing, it’s bullying. You may think you’re being funny and they may respond in the moment, but if you’re looking to build a relationship think on whether you want it built on positive feelings or a weird sense of competition.
The Art of the Compliment
I mentioned above that I open with a compliment. Compliment something people have control over, not something they don’t. When I say something they don’t have control over, I mean their body or the way they speak. Complimenting someone on their eyes is obvious, and they probably hear it a lot – you’ll just be one more person complimenting someone’s eyes. Instead, compliment someone’s style or their choice of drink at the bar. Show them that you noticed something about them other people may not usually notice at a first glance. Additionally, you don’t know what insecurities someone might have about things they cannot change, or whether they may react negatively to you complimenting them on it. Complimenting something people have control over is the safest way to practice opening and will generally work on more people. As you get used to complimenting people, you can experiment with different kinds of compliments in different contexts.
One common misconception is that people can just go to the gym, therefore they have control over their bodies. This is a gross oversimplification: people can’t control their height, eye colour, underlying body shape, or internal health. Complimenting someone’s appearance may be complimenting an eating disorder or their genetics. Complimenting someone on their height is not a compliment – they did not choose to be short or tall. Many things that we think of as being in someone’s control are not actually in their control, and you don’t know what invisible or internal challenges someone may be facing. One small caveat: if you’re at the gym and someone’s killing it on their work out, if you run into them outside of the gym you can compliment them on their form or muscle definition as that is clearly something they take pride in. Why outside the gym? Too many women get approached by men trying to “help” them without understanding their personal goals, and interrupting someone of any gender in their workout could be annoying. You want to increase your chances of getting a positive response. All this being said, what may seem like a compliment to you may not be a compliment to someone else. Keep this in mind and if they’re not receptive, move on.
Are they even into me?
If someone is into you, they will do everything they can to continue the conversation, even if it stagnated and feels like a conversation about nothing. Think about how you react when you like someone – you probably do everything you can to keep chatting. If the conversation is about something really stupid and they’re still in it with you, they’re probably into you. If they are giving one word answers or giving you nothing to work with, they’re probably not into you. If you’re meeting them in person and they say “I have to go find my friend” they’re not into you.
If you are meeting them in person and they find excuses to casually touch you on the shoulder or leg, they’re probably into you. That being said, if they don’t do that, they may also have excellent boundaries and like to ask before touching. Don’t assume if they’re NOT touching you that they’re not into you. If their body language is open – they’re facing you, their arms and legs are open – they’re into you (or at least open to talking). If the body language is closed – turned away, arms or legs crossed – they’re probably not interested.
If someone has earbuds in or is reading a book, if you’re alone in an elevator late at night or they look exhausted, this is not the time to approach. If their earbuds are on at the gym, that’s a sign not to approach no matter how sculpted their deltoids are. Once again, context and intuition matter. You can ask about the book the person is reading— that’s a solid opener. If they answer with one word answers, they’re not interested and you should move on.
“It’s flirting if you’re attractive, but it’s creepy if you’re not!”
Yes. Mutual attraction is important and key to flirting, especially since it takes two to flirt. Hot people can also be creepy, it just takes some people a bit longer to figure that out. Being attracted to the person hitting on you matters, and if you think their feelings or preferences don’t matter, maybe you need to evaluate if you actually are creepy.
TL:DR
Find your flirt style. Practice with different people. Don’t be afraid of rejection – use it as a learning opportunity to gather more data to build your flirt intuition. Flirting should be fun: get to know people, show enthusiasm, and have interesting conversations. Enjoy the process of learning, now go out there and flirt!